It’s Okay, I Have Conservative Friends
I read this passage from an obituary of conservative philosopher Sir Roger Scruton.
I read this passage from an obituary of conservative philosopher Sir Roger Scruton.
I have friends who are conservative Evangelical Christians, Extinction Rebellion activists and Effective Altruists. So I regularly spend time with people who hold very different views on God, Climate Change, abortion, economic growth or the welfare of future generations. These are serious differences with big implications, on how we vote, which goods we consume and perhaps on where will spend eternity.
And that we disagree matters. I dislike the things they will tell their children. They think I am voting for destructive people. We all think there are big problems and the others are, at best, walking blindly by. I wish they would change, they wish that I would. And it’s not okay. And also it is. Here is why:
Firstly they are fun. What can I say? People who disagree with you are still people, with jokes, anecdotes, insights and comfort. I find moments of closeness with people who are radically different to me. I see no reason to place a litmus test on my friends, though I have lost friends over the years who didn’t feel the same. It is a pleasure to spend time with those you love, regardless of their beliefs.
As an aside, I don’t think this hurts my ability to do good in the world. I work hard to do so and then I relax in my free time. I control myself and my actions, but I don’t put restrictions on the beliefs of those around me. If you disagree, I’m happy to talk it out. If you don’t want to be friends with me because of this, that’s your choice.
The second reason is self-correction. People with different beliefs are much less worried about our sacred cows. My Christian friends don’t worry about criticising my romances and my Effective Altruist friends don’t mind examining my life choices. Good ideas are hard to come by, but even a child can spot poor reasoning. I like to have smart folks of different strokes to criticise my ideas — if the ideas are true they’ll stand up to the criticism.
The final reason is to keep dialogue open. I don’t think public shaming changes many people’s minds, but an honest conversation with a friend might. With repeated interactions we can grow to trust one another, to call out our own bullshit. We can learn what strong arguments look like and eventually we can discuss our hard disagreements and perhaps change. If all of your friends are people you agree with, good luck on changing any minds. If people are sick, they need a doctor, not quarantine.
And maybe I am the one in need of help. I’d never have become the person I am without close friends who disagreed strongly, but who didn’t shame or desert me.
Friends are wonderful, regardless of what they believe, but if you want to have mature relationships which change and are changed, there must be safety in disagreement and respect for terrible beliefs and the people that hold them.
People like you.
And me.