"It's okay to leave"

Things I wish I'd known when leaving Christianity

Aged 25, I leave the movement that has been most important in my life so far: Christianity.

Tl;dr

Some things I wish I’d said to myself:

• If I leave, what will actually happen?

• It’s probably gonna be okay

• If it’s true, I need not fear examining it

• If I am not happy, that matters

• What can I learn by leaving that current me will be glad to know?

• I will still have my friends and if I don’t then those friendships weren’t gonna survive

• Are decisions reversible?

• I can fear something and do it anyway

• I am likeable and loveable

Context

I was a conservative evangelical Christian and had been since childhood. I stuck to a relatively literally interpretation of the Bible. I didn’t drink, I hadn’t had sex, I attended church several times a week. I lived in a community of 30 people who supported and critiqued one another about the most intimate details of our lives. I’ve written more here.

It was hard to leave:

• I feared I’d go to Hell, even for thinking about leaving ¹

• I lived with friends from church and I probably couldn’t live with them if I wasn’t a christian (this turned out to be the case, though isn’t as bad as it sounds)

• I didn’t know how to be a non-Chrisitan

• Much of my social life revolved around my faith

• I didn’t have an imagined future outside Christianity

I acknowledge this isn’t how Christianity is for everyone, though I will argue that conservative evangelicals aren’t exactly handing out pamphlets on how to leave. Making it hard to leave is a feature, not a bug and it’s one I’d like not to replicate. 

This post is written about a specific belief system and a specific person. I also give advice to others who might leave communities.

Advice

“If you leave then ______ will happen”

I wish I had considered the actual outcomes. What were the things that I was fearing? I guess it was going to Hell, which is a trickier fear than most, a log jam in my brain, that I feared to touch, let alone remove. 

I think it’s worth considering this for all kinds of decisions - jobs, relationships and communities. If your brain doesn’t know what you’ll lose by leaving, why are you there? 

“It’s probably gonna be okay”

I wish someone had told me this. That it was probably gonna be fine. 

Part of what took me so long was fear. I was scared of finding new friends, having sex, having money without having to beg my parents.

It was fine. I surprised myself by how capable and adaptable I am. I wish someone had held me and told me that I was going to do better than I’d have expected. Perhaps I’d have left a lot earlier than I did.

If you are going to leave a community, you are probably gonna do better than it seems. Solve problems 1 at a time. You’ve made it this far.

“If it’s true, you need not fear examining it”

I was terrified of actually thinking about my faith and ending up in Hell. Terrified of being disloyal, of having to explain my thoughts.

But if something is worth believing in, I think there has to be some chance it’s false.² The Christianity I believed in was like an abusive partner, harassing and terrifying me about how I would be punished if I left or even considered leaving. I now see that as a clear red flag. If a community makes it hard to leave - get out. If it turns out to be good, you can always rejoin.

If your community is giving you good things, then you can write them down. And you can write down the bad things too. Because if it’s a thing your future self is gonna want, the good list should contain bigger things.

“You are not happy and that matters”

I wasn’t happy. And somehow people didn’t say that to me. And I didn’t say that to myself. Happiness isn’t everything, but it’s a useful internal signal. If I am not happy it is worth listening to my body and wondering why.

Are you sad? If so, that’s notable. Is your community making you sad? That’s notable too. 

“Tell me what you find”

Threats of Hell aside, there are things that I could tell Christian me³. These last 4 years have been immensely valuable to me. I have learned:

• I am capable of being more ambitious in my job

• If I am unhappy in relationships, probably my partner is too, so better to breakup sooner rather than later

• Some charities are  10x - 100x more effective than others

• We are taking too high risks with the future of our world and people will suffer

• It is worth investigating why I have such a short attention span

These were things that, were I to return to Christianity, I would be glad to know. But by making it so difficult to leave, it became all or nothing. 

If you leave a community, go with my blessing. And tell me what you find! I will probably be glad to know.

“Your friends will still like you, or if not then the friendships probably would have ended anyway”

I lost a couple of friends as a result of leaving, but mostly it has been fine. Those people I wanted to be close to I still am. 

This is hard to hear, but the friendships that you actually lose will be ones that you’d have been happy to lose anyway. 

“Reversible decisions are cheaper than they feel”

I am certain that my Christian friends would take me back if I returned to the faith. I don’t know why I couldn’t think that at the time. I guess I was looking for reasons not to think about it. I wish someone had pointed this out to me “They will take you back, explore what’s out there”

Humans have a trait called “loss aversion” which means we fear loss more than we enjoy gain⁴. If a decision is mostly reversible, you should feel pretty ambivalent about the loss, which can be reversed. But your body doesn’t know that. It fears losing even what can be recouped.

I think many decisions aren’t even theoretically about your immortal soul, so consider if they are reversible.

“You can fear something.. And do it anyway”

I wish someone had pointed out that when you understand why you fear something, then fear in itself isn’t bad. As I said above, emotions are useful indicators. I should ignore them at my peril. But once I understand my fear, I can push through it.

If you seek to leave a community and don’t know why

“I like you”

Finally, I think, at the bottom of all this was a fear and hatred of myself. That I didn’t deserve happiness and that I couldn’t bear to see myself in the cold light of day. I wish I had held myself, that brave scared man and said “I like you, I love you, we will get through this”

I don’t know you, but I’d probably like you. And I’m sure I would love you - I find people very easy to love. So maybe you should love yourself too?

Photo by midjourney

1.  This verse in particular caused me a lot of heartache: “But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.” James 1. No, doubting is fine actually and those who tell you otherwise are a big red flag.

2.  I suspect I’m smuggling a huge amount into that line, but I think it’s true

3. I can’t help but remember that in the Christmas story, “Tell me what you find” is what King Herod says to the wise men. 😬 https://biblehub.com/matthew/2-8.htm 

4.  If the replication crisis hasn’t come for this one too